Crushed

For a while, I thought I was broken. I thought my heart had been hurt too deeply to ever open up again. I found myself extraordinarily jaded about the dating scene (or lack thereof) in Los Angeles. The matches on dating apps seemed to be a combination of low and lower – I lament about it in my previous blog post, “Board Games Only.” But, lately, I’ve seen a shift in myself, a brighter outlook and a more open mind. I’ve been crushing! So, what has changed?

A few months ago, I found out that HE (the one that took me a stupid long time to get over) moved away from Los Angeles, which is fantastic for my peace of mind. There was always a part of me that wondered if, when passing places we had gone, I would see him. Maybe alone, but – worse – maybe with someone else. And I don’t know how well that would have gone for me. Now, without that possibility, and with space in both time and distance, I can drive down those busy streets with fresh eyes, now hopeful of what lies in the future instead of worrying about my past.

I have been trying to put down the phone and out into the real world. I’ve been active – I’m currently in a play, filming a short, and going to immersive events around the city. I’m meeting new people and finding out that there are good ones out there; it’s not all “dtf” messages from someone I don’t know. Words on a screen are no replacement for in-person chemistry. I once went on a date with someone who was everything I was looking for on paper (well, my phone), and we had zero chemistry in person. I have also fallen for guys I didn’t immediately find attractive, but our chemistry was off the charts, magnetic when we were together.

And so, I have finally found it again – that excitement, the ability to crush on someone. Regardless of the outcome, I’m at least happy that I have the capacity to feel that way again. It can be so much fun! I wasn’t broken beyond repair before now, but I was frustrated and pessimistic. But I’ve found that part of myself that I am so proud of again – the love I have to give. That faith to jump in with both feet. And I would totally do that in a heart skip or a beat, if the opportunity presented itself. For now, though, just knowing it’s possible again is enough for me. I like wearing rose-colored glasses sometimes. And if I don’t find romance with this one, I’m happy that there are possibilities out there again.