Taking Responsibility
It’s easy to blame someone or something else for your shortcomings. Instead of owning up to – and changing – what’s disappointing you in life, it’s “safe” to say someone let you down, you ran out of medication, you just didn’t have time… The list goes on.
I’m no stranger to this. I blame other people for flaking when maybe I should be more patient, cut them slack, or not have such high expectations in the first place. I blame not having time to work out or eat properly when I could make sure to make the time if I really wanted to make a difference. I blame my agent for not getting me in the audition room at the same time I’m slacking on submitting for projects on my own, putting the health of my instrument (body) on the back burner, and not pushing for the projects I DO have in the works to get off the ground. I blame my job for not recognizing my worth when I don’t stand up for myself and demand it – or look for someplace that WILL recognize it. I blame running out of my antidepressants for my bad moods, when I could be meditating or focusing more on self-care until my prescription comes in the mail. I blame dating apps or the handful of bad apples I’ve met, using them as an excuse to not put myself out there at all, thus continuing the cycle of loneliness and isolation.
This blame game keeps me in a “comfortable,” known space that I’ve lived in for way too long. Something’s gotta give. There’s a saying I’ve heard many times throughout my life – If you want something you’ve never had, you have to do something you’ve never done. In order to get that significant other, that role of a lifetime, that summer body, that better-paying job, I have to push myself outside of this sad-sack “comfort zone.” I don’t mean chastising myself about things I don’t do quite as well as I want to (it’s essential to be gentle with yourself), I just need to take ownership for the things within my power to change. I have to stop blaming outside things or people, (wo)man up, and take responsibility for the life I’m currently living – its blessings and its faults. I’ve never been one to lack stubborn determination, but I have to activate it and find that fire within myself to get off my butt and DO something about it.
Stretching beyond the boundaries I’ve created for myself is going to be scary. But what’s scarier to me is living a life I’m not happy with, finding myself 5 years down the road wondering where all my time went, where all my dreams and aspirations went. There’s no use thinking about the things I would do over in life in order to change my current situation…but there’s no time like NOW to start over and do what I’ve wanted to do for so long. It’s not up to anyone else, or anything else… It’s only up to me, and I’m just so tired of feeling unsatisfied.
