OK, Elsa...

I’m either one of the bravest or dumbest people I know. After a year of pining for the “one that got away”, I contacted him about a professional opportunity. A lot of people might consider that a bad idea. What if I get my expectations up and he disappoints me again? What if I have a breakdown on set? What if..? On the other hand, what if seeing him again helps me move on? Knocks him off the pedestal I’ve created in my head and my memories? I vowed to be nothing but professional, and to dip my toes into the friendship waters. It was a good test for me.

I made myself sick with nerves the night before and leading up to my call time. The anticipation was killing me. When I first saw him that day, my heart skipped and I had to force a smile through my awkwardness. As the day wore on, though, I was able to watch him from afar, and I started asking myself what the big deal was. He was just another person. He wasn’t my savior, the be-all, end-all for me. Yes, he changed my life for the better in a way only he could at the time, but he’s not the only guy that’s going to be in my life, or my heart. We chatted very briefly, as there was a lot of work to be done, but the mystique wore off.

I do miss him, though. I had a lot of fun with him, and we would always lose track of time chatting about anything under the sun. I now wonder if we can be friends. He’s the type of person I want in my life. He inspired me to be better, in the way I wanted to be. He never forced me to be someone I wasn’t. So, when I was wrapped for the day, I texted him my professional thanks and wished him luck with the rest of the project. He apologized for not being able to chat more. I understood and said “maybe some other time”, hoping to leave the door open for a possible friendship. I haven’t heard back.

Now here I am, trying to come to terms with not only how naive I was by idolizing him, but also the fact that he might NOT want me in his life, even in friendship. And that would suck. Maybe he’ll get back to me, maybe he won’t. But my job is to move forward with my life, however that plays out. I feel like some weight has been lifted off my shoulders, so I can hopefully stop reminiscing about the fantasy of him I’ve created in my head. My friend once said about a different ex, “I’m sorry he’s not who you hoped he was.” And that applies here. In my romanticized version of him, things would’ve turned out differently, happily ever after. But here, in reality, he’s just a guy that wanted something different and moved on. And that’s OK. If he had stuck it out longer, I would’ve either fallen harder and gotten much more broken-hearted, or we’d have ended up hating each other.

I really hope we can be friends. But no matter what, I’ll be OK and go with the flow. And I’m moving forward one step at a time. I’m glad I saw him again, I’m stronger for it. And I’m ever closer to letting him go.