Being Selfish?

I hate saying “No” when people ask me to do things. Not because I have a fear of missing out, but because I usually WANT to do whatever I’m being asked. Plus, they wouldn’t have asked if they didn’t want to hang out with me, or didn’t like my company. And it would be much easier to say “No” if I didn’t like hanging out with them as well.

I also don’t like letting people down. Most of the time I’m not. But sometimes that’s just the way it works out. Maybe “letting people down” is not the right term for it. It’s just that I can’t possibly do everything. I don’t even have enough time and energy for what I want to do outside of work. There’s no way I could keep up with everyone else’s schedules too. But then I end up feeling guilty that I can’t.

Growing up, I got used to being busy – between school, hanging out with friends, plays and the multitude of dance/singing classes I would be taking at any given time. I don’t remember if I felt as much burn-out as I’ve been feeling lately. But I also didn’t have as many chores/responsibilities outside of the extracurriculars I was actually jazzed about.

Sometimes when I’m not feeling up for something, I’ll call my mom, almost as if I’m looking for confirmation that it’s OK to say “No”. Usually, she’ll tell me to go out and do fill-in-the-blank, because I might meet someone new and have fun. And that’s usually true. On other occasions, I’ll call my parents and they say how just hearing about my schedule wears them out and that I should take a break. How can I do both though? How can I go out and have fun/meet new people AND take a break for myself? Do I push myself to go somewhere when I’m not feeling up for it – just in case? Where is that line? I’ve been struggling with this for a while now. More so since I’ve been trying to put myself first more often.

It’s hard to be selfish. It’s harder than it should be to put that unnecessary guilt feeling aside and say, “I’m sorry, I really need time to myself tonight. Thanks, though.” I am thankfully getting better at it, slowly. And it’s helpful to remember that if I burn myself out trying to do EVERYTHING, then I won’t be able to do ANYTHING after a while, which is way more terrifying to me. Why is learning to put yourself first one of the hardest lessons to learn?