Respawning

My weight fluctuates constantly, sometimes up to 20 pounds difference. Although, I try to stay active more than not. I need to. I'm like a shark that can't stop swimming. If I do stop, it's most likely because I'm either really, legitimately tired, or because I'm depressed.

I was working out and eating right at the end of last year. I had taken a 5-day cleanse and lost 8 pounds or so, then continued on my own to lose another 15. Having my heart broken helped. I couldn't stay home; I needed something to do other than be pitied by my friends, or annoy them by going in circles about what went wrong. I was at the gym almost every night. When Colonel (my cat, for newbies) died in January, I lost the groove I was in. I was really depressed and didn't want to leave the house. I didn't want to eat, either, but that's not all that helpful. Then work ramped up and I worked a ton of overtime, not wanting to do anything else once I got home.

I also found that I was getting bored with my workout routine. I like taking classes because they push me harder than I would myself, but I like to do many different kinds. With my gym membership, it was the same 2 or 3 classes mixed with the elliptical, or treadmill when my knees allowed it. With Colonel on my mind, I didn't want to be left to my own devices and spiral into a cry-fest while trying to work out, so I didn't.

I've slowly been trying to dig myself out of that hole, both mentally and physically. One of my friends calls it "respawning" - like in video games, when you lose a life but you regenerate with full health, ready to start the level over again. I liked that idea, because you can respawn as many times as you need to in order to get things right. Work has finally slowed down so I can get home at a normal hour, the heat is abiding (for now), and I got several different Groupons so I can spice up my "normal" gym time with classes elsewhere. When my Groupons are done, I'm probably going to get the cheapest Class Pass, just so I can have the option of pole dancing, or boxing, or tap dancing, or boot camp, or aerial classes.

After a month or two of really trying to get myself back in the gym habit, I'm still not where I want to (or could) be. I know how to get there, though. I've done it before. I've slowly been cutting "bad" things out of my diet. Bye to the M&Ms, sodas to get me through work, and ice cream. Back to cooking healthy chicken and veggies.

The thing is... I say I'd like to be a certain weight, but that's not the goal I'm trying to achieve. I am looking to lose weight, but mostly I want to tone. And I have to accept that muscle weighs more than fat, so I try not to step on the scale too often. I really want to see results in my clothes and nice muscle lines on my body. And most of the time I love working on getting myself there. I take boot camps to feel strong. I take dance classes to let myself go to the music. I take pole classes to feel comfortable in my skin. I take boxing to hit out all my stress. And if I miss a few days (like I'm doing right now), I'll respawn and get back into the game. I can't stay stagnate for long, my body won't let me. It always amazes me how many different things this body of mine is capable of. So, I have to treat it right.